Dogs

Bloody god damn dogs.

Some of them are nice, thank you, very much. But others are child eating slavering maniacs desperate for a piece of meat and to give you a good dose of post traumatic stress syndrome.

Ahh...I scream as I try and stare down a pitbull (how can you ever stare down a pitbull?) It jumps up and down on it's massively muscley little silly legs 'woof..woof'. Well woof does not seem enough to explain the terryfing noise it was making.

I'm almost crying, when ah, ha. I spy it is wearing one of those plastic lampshade things on its head. Suddenly my 'shit, I'm terrified smell', gives way to a 'huh, I've got you bastard smell'. It can't bite me cause it can't get it's nose past the end of it's silly hat. My eyes narrow while the dog's widen. Triumphant, I also realise that my car door opens so it will be between me and the dog. Shaking I get the key in and climb into my skodacaddilac quick smart.

Smiliar tales like this are shaking newspaper stands across the country 'Man gets eaten alive by own dog', 'Child made into spaghetti string'. Yes see you get the point.

Now a nice greyhound...mmm!

Technology is never tamed

Please be patient. Technology is never tamed. I'm trying to give you details of the fantastic Missgohome and God damn Dogs, but the computer is having flibberty jibberts and will refuse to upload picture of Missgohome and slavering dogs. Perhaps theres too many cyber junkies out there and the tubes have got all mashed up?

Missgohome

Famed for her 'I'm going home now...No I really am going home now'. Which is not really so fair, because lately we have been calling her more Missstayoutlater. But Missgohome sticks more I feel. And it makes us laugh!

She is a fantastically fun person, who will never commit to anything until the last minute. Apart from the one and only time of New Zealand - umm...you can see why she's choosy!

You will see her name mentioned all over these blogs, because unfortunately for her I do manage to drag her into all sorts of scrapes (see New Zealand and coming soon the RNLI fiasco!)

A fine gin drinker, you can see her falling about in fields all over the Midlands having lost all feeling in both legs. But at least she's always smiling and she does drag you down with her...which is fun!

She also shrifty with her pennies too and can make a pound go on and on. Go on try and get her to buy you a drink!!! Although to be fair I'm just as bad!

Missgohome's saying of the month: 'How very dare you!'

The Great New Zealand Adventure or how to get busted

It's the furthest I've ever been...New Zealand. Me and Missgohome flying across great war zones and countries where they listen to bad dance music. A big bloody plane. The greatest thing was that there was a camera filming the take-off and landings, so we got a pilots view in a tiny tv in the seat in front!

What could go wrong? We landed in Dubai, a very strange place, lots of rolex adverts. We had a stop over and thought nothing of rolling a small joint and walking around the hotel grounds. And then back on the plane to stop in Malaysia - no gun crime there. I got hold of a local newspaper and on the front page was a report of a student getting his jeans and trainers stolen. But he'd left them outside his flat! A big hunt was on for the fashion conscious thief! They should live where I do, things get stolen all the bloody time!

So a quick fag in Australia (I'm always trying to stop smoking by the way!). And on for fantastic New Zealand. Me and Missgohome were almost pissing our pants in excitement, we'd been travelling for two days. And there is something to be said for breathing fresh air!

Finally we arrived in New Zealand. I couldn't wait to get off the plane, the views were breath taking, four whole weeks of pure holiday freedom!

So we 'touched down' (oh an americanism, how sweet!). Straight away, as soon as I was showing the guy my passport, this lovely dog starts sniffing around me. Ahh, they know! I pat the dog and tell the guy how dogs love me (see dog posting to come later!). He just pulls me over and asks if I've got any drugs on me. Well no sir, can't you see I'm a sweet British woman with great credentials!

Apparently not. They nabbed Missgohome too. And many thanks to her she stuck by me. We were wailing and crying while they searched our bags and threatend us with jail. It was terrifying. We got naked and were filmed all puffy eyed and sad for ourselves. What a tit!

So the story goes that we did get back to the good ole U of K. Much less triumphant than we'd left. We watched 25 odd take off and landings of the small tv and didn't breath fresh air for a week. Air conditioning is killing the world. On the way back those crazies in Dubai gave us a load of hassle and I prayed to the Lord to save my arse - thankfully he's a good man!

Missgohome and I off to Cuba in January, so watch out for more fantastic tales of Forest Trips and Missgohome!

Gardening Boy

I wanted to give an introduction to each of the Forest Crew. Tune in each week to see updates on your favourite characters, see what great adventures they get up to, and sample a piece of their mind!

What a fantastic person gardening boy is. A great twitcher. See his eyes light up as a buzzard, sparrow or blackbird circles overhead.

He wears a khaki baseball cap, covering his beautiful grey long hair. A fashion conscious dude, who mixes khaki trousers with khaki t-shirts!! We all love gardening boy for his great sense of humour, and he is my confidant. He has advice on everything from birds to boys!!

The other day I asked him for some hot sex tips (although he has not had it in a very long time) and his suggestion blew me away. He advised I get naked and wear a utility belt, a hard hat and be strumming a large vibrating power tool. He said it would get the trucker all hot under the collar!! I've not tried it yet, but theres always time.

Text message of the day: I'm in my room....having been forced to lay down my copy of Graham Green's the third man as I'm closely surrounded by babbling fools disturbing my minds narrative.....I'm finding it increasingly difficult to hold my tongue and tightly coiled muscles......How r u?

Well what comic genius....you don't get them like that everyday do you.......

Trying to give a view of myself

Hi,

I'm just trying to post a picture of myself on here. Everything is just so damn hard! If I put a picture on here, then I can transfer it in cyber space to my profile!

Please stay tuned for up and coming adventures of....

The First

Well here we are.

Somehow I've ended up with my own blog, where I've promised exciting and funny things to re-appear. I'm not sure how I will manage it at all!

I'm not even particularily computer literate, but I'm seem to have done ok here!

And all on the day when Carl and Susan finally kissed. This is on the incredibly good and well acted show Neighbours (if you didn't already know!) They spilt over two years ago and ever since then I knew...oh well.

I've got 'gardening boy' and 'house man' coming round in a minute (this is all to protect their identity incase madmen want to come and party with us too). I've been ordered by house man to make some dinner for him, but I've only got pasta for 2 and I think there are 3 of us. Nevermind!