So...the cancer...

Hmmm, the Pet Shop Boys 'You were always on my mind' seems to fit well, but when you (if you ever fancy it..) read the lyrics the don't actually quite fit! Because I certainly didn't love being cancerous.

I've been putting off writing anything about it because it seems all too obvious and boring. But then that's just another excuse. I also have so many half started diaries lying around everywhere I don't really have to spill my guts here, but nobody but me really reads it anyway. Plus I've just had a Guiness and its only 5.20pm on a Tuesday, but thats cooking with booze for ya!

I'm really hoping that purging myself in words will make it all easier to cope with. I've got my first year scan coming up in a few weeks and find out the results on 1st December. I would (obviously) be absolutely totally gutted to be told it had come back. I find the prospect hard to even contemplate, as having had cancer in the first place must be to someone who is lucky enough not to have been prodded with the cancer stick.

The whole punching in the bone marrow, cancer, hair loss, throwing up, dry vagina, mouth ulcers, difficulty breathing, being unable to walk far, not being able to concentrate, unable to use my arms, loss of appetite, sleep deprivation, missing periods, weight gain, mood swings, tiredness, total and complete fear of death and being bloody angry with my useless body for even going there..is far to difficult to think of having to go through again. But then I am (so far) one of the lucky ones, many, many people go in and out of treatment for the whole of their sorry lives. I just don't want to be one of them.

I think around the time of having scans and the like I will always feel a little anxious, but there really is little that I can do about it. Just try not to dwell and thank the lord for each new day!