So...the cancer...

Hmmm, the Pet Shop Boys 'You were always on my mind' seems to fit well, but when you (if you ever fancy it..) read the lyrics the don't actually quite fit! Because I certainly didn't love being cancerous.

I've been putting off writing anything about it because it seems all too obvious and boring. But then that's just another excuse. I also have so many half started diaries lying around everywhere I don't really have to spill my guts here, but nobody but me really reads it anyway. Plus I've just had a Guiness and its only 5.20pm on a Tuesday, but thats cooking with booze for ya!

I'm really hoping that purging myself in words will make it all easier to cope with. I've got my first year scan coming up in a few weeks and find out the results on 1st December. I would (obviously) be absolutely totally gutted to be told it had come back. I find the prospect hard to even contemplate, as having had cancer in the first place must be to someone who is lucky enough not to have been prodded with the cancer stick.

The whole punching in the bone marrow, cancer, hair loss, throwing up, dry vagina, mouth ulcers, difficulty breathing, being unable to walk far, not being able to concentrate, unable to use my arms, loss of appetite, sleep deprivation, missing periods, weight gain, mood swings, tiredness, total and complete fear of death and being bloody angry with my useless body for even going there..is far to difficult to think of having to go through again. But then I am (so far) one of the lucky ones, many, many people go in and out of treatment for the whole of their sorry lives. I just don't want to be one of them.

I think around the time of having scans and the like I will always feel a little anxious, but there really is little that I can do about it. Just try not to dwell and thank the lord for each new day!

Oh my its been soooo long

I really don't think anyone I know even checks this anymore, but i've just had such a lovely time reading about all my adventures, I thought i'd have to start it up again...and anyway it helps to keep writing and I need a project now that I am a lovely single mum!

So to update anyone who may want to listen...this is what I've been doing since I last wrote on here.

1. I have had the most amazing experience being a mum to my lovely Robin. She is just exactly what I asked for. Confident, noisy, dancy and singy! Brilliant. She fills my day with much laughter. Shes already 2 and a half now...the time has gone so quickly.

2. Trucker jim and I have not stayed together. Its was possibly the worst emotional turmoil ever and broke both our hearts, but now we are here we can both see the this is the best outcome. We are good friends and spend family time with Robin (which is really important to us).

3. I have a lovely two up - two down in my beloved Forest Fields. I've decorated all the rooms in spanking primary colours and made it a cosy little home.

4. For christ sake...I got cancer last year - Hodgkins Lymphoma. What a complete arse pain that was. Being ill for months beforehand and not knowing why, falling asleep all over the place, even on the two trips to Spain I managed in the month of February 2009. What a bitch. Completely bowled me over. My lovely friend Kim, the dancer, came to live in my living room and look after me and Robin. For that I am indebted to her for life. Six months of Chemo, throwing up, losing my hair, looking like shit, putting on weight from the drugs. Ugh. The worst thing was the fucking bone marrow test, shit that really hurt, having part of your bone punctured out - much worse than giving birth, whatever the nurses say. But I'm all better now, just got to get through the next 5 years of remission and I'm home free.

So that's it really. Perhaps I'll post more detailed accounts of the above things later...just wanted to start the ball rolling again xx

Freddies gone

Boo, hoo - Freddie has finally gone. Was very sad to see the little tike on his way after all the expectations I'd heaped on him! He's gone to a new home in Plymouth and they love him, so that is a good thing! New things on the horizon then! At least we made a baby out of it!

It's not all that bad

Well,

the benefits agency have re-jigged all the money stuff and are giving me a little more. More money for nappies!

Am totally scared at the moment by the whole experience.

Just came back from the end of the road festival (too much plinky plonky indie music - nice scenery though), Weymouth (ahh, lovely old people) and Normandy (with Dad and Nan - lovely). Back to the reality of trying to find somewhere for me and the baby to live - help me!

I'm alivE!!

Well, I'm not in Europe no more...oh no!

The following has happened to make me more spaced out then ever:

1. Got inseminated by Truckerjim in Holland in the campervan (he says the hotel, but that's not rock and roll is it?).
2. Having a lovely birthday for Truckerjim, we decided to do a pregnancy test to help the birthday celebrations go with a bang...my period had been lost in the post! It was positive. Ahh!
3. Following a rock, drive, argue and roll, we decided to leave the lovely Slovakia, drive right across Hungary and enter the oh so exciting Serbia - madness, madness. We entered and saw the beautiful delights of downtown Belgrade, with the lovely poor people with bags on their feet scrabbling for rubbish and living in mud huts. Ahh, I had a panic attack and got straight out of there!
4. Then...(phew its all too much) we spent some lovely time in Croatia, in the sun, swinging in me hammock. Lovely, lovely...until we remembered that I was pregnant, and the driving started again. Straight through Slovenia (I know it's nice I'll go back one year). To the west coast of Italy, too many tourists, no free carparks. Then on and on through Switzerland (yes beautiful, no time to stop). Then on and on and on through France - does that country ever end?
5. Straight into the arms of me mates Cathygohome and Jessain'tshejustgreat! Oh how they comforted me and gave me nice dinners and cuddled me!

So now I'm living a comfortable existence on the dole (only made so because I don't have bills and can't drink much!). I'm knitting baby stuff and watching my lovely flat stomach swell and grow, yes that's swelling and growing!!!

Off to the oh so delightful Pompey for a 80's disco on the seafront. I'll be there with me one can of Guinness - just you stop me!

Wonderful, wonderful Slovakia

Well, well. Here we are in the most beautiful place we've ever been to in our lives. We've spent the past week in the sublime natural beauty that is the Mala Fatra national park. Waterfalls, moutains, deer, bears, all crazy types of flying things, valleys!!! This is surely paradise on earth! As the literature says a Free Time Zone!!!

This week alone we've climbed 3 mountains bigger than Snowdon, and have been whizzing about on our new bikes! I've got a red one!!!! And Jim's is blue!!!!

Slovakia is a funny place, there are no old buildings becuase they just wait for their houses to get old, then build a new one in the back garden and knock down the first! They are all beautiful wooden houses we've been getting lots of ideas}, and the are such keen gardens, I've never seen lawns so green, flower beds so in bloom, or vegetable patches so tended! It's also not uncommon to see people working their land by hand, farmers and their wifes stooped over and tending to beds of green stuff, even hand crop spraying - amazing! People can be nice here, but there is a tendancy to look very stern and gruff!

P.s. we've put pictures on the other entries too!!

Brno and tons of beer!

We had a swell time in Brno, yes another city, yes walking around in the heat...but oh my god!

We found a little beer festival with funny bands. There was the covers band singing in English, then the blues Cezch band with my mate from college Michael Thomas playing Bass in a way I've never seen bass played before. This guy rocked, jumping around for all his worth like he was a Nebworth!

We got drunker and drunker and couldn't really understand why until we looked at the percentage of the beer we were drinking which was 12!!!!!!!!!!!! And at only 30p!!!!!!!

We meet a lovely Czech guy who smoked a pipe and told us all about his crazy mother. We had only just missed seeing the Minister of Health heartily smoking and drinking!